Bourla: Betty, will you tell Jordon to come to my office as soon as possible…..oh, and lock up the ipads, this guy’s a freakin’ loose cannon.
Betty: Yes sir. Is this a date, sir?
Bourla: No, this is not a date.
Betty: Okay, sir….calling him now.
5 MINUTES LATER
Bourla: Good morning Jordon. Let’s get right to to it. I think you know why I called you here.
Walker: Is this a date?
Bourla: No, this is not a date. I’m afraid you’ve put us in a very sticky situation.
Walker: Ooooooohhhhh!
Bourla: Oh, calm down! Put your pants back on. You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, young man. Because of you and your wild ass behavior our once spotless brand is now officially in the dumper.
Walker: But, you don’t understand…. this guy was hot!
Bourla: I don’t give a damn if he was Ernest Borgnine! You’ve got to get hold of yourself, we’ve got a lot riding on this! This is Pfizer, not Guys & Dolls! We’ve got certain standards around here. I thought I made it absolutely clear that nobody in this building can be too transparent in public settings or people will see right through us. You see what I’m saying?
Walker: Clearly.
Bourla: Good! Now listen, you’ve got 2 choices: We can slide you right back into the Primate Proctology Lab or you can have a try at screwing medical mannequins together with Raoul in the basement. It’s just temporary until this thing blows over. What do you think?
Walker: You had me at, Raoul.
Bourla: I’ll try and contain my amazement……..Okay, before we do this, we’re going to have to do some initial testing to get a feel for where you’re at mentally. After that you’re going to have to go to HR for re-education and training. Flipping out like you’re strung out on heroin is not an image we’re looking to portray here at Pfizer. Just because we’re drug pushers we don’t need to act like them. Write this down: We’re not animals. Got it?
Walker: We're…not…animals. Got it.
Bourla: Great! Ok…..When you’re in a public setting and a super hot dude starts asking uncomfortable questions your only response should be: “Yes, thank you. Have a nice day” or “Yes, thank you for the question. We’re currently looking into it.” That’s pretty much it…..Let’s give it a try……So Jordon, what exactly do you do at Pfizer?
Walker: We are currently mutating viruses into more dangerous strains for fun and profit.
Bourla: No! No! No!……Betty, hold all my calls! Ok….FOCUS, Let’s try again….Jordon, what’s Pfizer currently working on?
Walker: That’s a great question. Pfizer really doesn’t give a flying ding dong about anything except making wads of cash.
Bourla: Well you started out good, but you went downhill fast. Never say the words cash and Pfizer in the same sentence and you personally might want to try to avoid words like ding dong. Let’s try something else……Let’s say you’re in a restaurant and you see that O’Keefe guy from Project Albatross headed your way. What do you do?
Walker: Ask him for his number?
Bourla: Oh, dear God…..No!
Walker: Kick him in the family jewels and push his head in the deep fryer?
Bourla: Yes….I mean, no!……..You run to the bathroom and call for back up.
Walker: Yeah, yeah….got it. Makes sense.
Bourla. Okay, good. Now, what’s our company motto?
Walker: “Lying our asses off for profit since 1849.”
Bourla: No, the public motto.
Walker: Oh,…’Breakthroughs that enhance our wallets.”
Bourla” Close. “Breakthroughs that change patients’ lives”
Walker: Cool. Never heard of that.
Bourla: How much am I paying you again?….Nevermind. Tell you what, why don’t you head over to HR. They’re expecting you. Ask for Trad.
Walker: Is this a date?
Bourla: No, this is not a date.
10 Minutes Later
Trad: Hello Jordon, we’ve been expecting you. Why don’t you sit over here and we’ll get started with some word association. I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind. This will help us gain some valuable insights into your pschye…the things that motivate you, etc….Are you ready?
Walker: Sure
Trad: Okay, here we go……
Trad: Forever
Walker: Perpetual
Trad: Money
Walker: Cash
Trad: Milk
Walker: Cow
Trad: Alright, let’s see what we’ve got here…..Perpetual, Cash, Cow……Interesting. Let’s try another set:
Trad: Insane
Walker: Crazy
Trad: Canine
Walker: Ruff
Trad: Hot Dog
Walker: Weiner
Trad: Gender
Walker: Sex
Trad: Hmmmmmmm? Crazy, Ruff, Weiner Sex. Okay, one more:
Trad: Angry
Walker: Cross
Trad: Salad
Walker: Dressing
Trad: Back
Walker: Rear
Trad: General
Walker: Admiral
Trad: Cross, Dressing, Rear, Admiral??……Alrighty then…I think we’ve got enough information to go on here…and perhaps a dash extra. Let’s get you out in a real world environment and continue our re-training at my place.
Walker: Is this a date?
Trad: Maybe.
Omg Eric....you've hit a new high with this one! Lmao! Really needed it re the new 🐵🙊🙉 "emergency declaration", Dr Nass' trial today, and after the first episode of never again. Thanks so much for bringing the humor!!! 💜💜💜
Gosh who wouldn't want their own Raoul in the basement.