It’s a beautiful Spring day in Hell when suddenly the chaos is shattered by a booming voice over the intercom…
Satan: Anthony Stephen Fauci!!…..march your ass up to my office pronto!!
Walensky: Ooohhh, someone’s in troubblllle.
Fauci: Oh shut up, Rochelle. Skank!
Knock, knock…..
Fauci: You wanted to see me, Sir.
Satan: Yes, I did. Have a seat.
Fauci: Was that Biden in the hall?
Satan: Yeah, he’s my 10 o’clock….Can’t believe I’m letting that tool run the country. What a boob. That’s the last time I listen to Pelosi.
Fauci: Ahhh yes….Miss Nancy. How is the ol’ girl?
Satan: Fine. Fine. Everything’s fine. She’s crushing a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s and drying out in the drunk tank at the moment.
Fauci: And Paul?
Satan: Still recovering from the hammer attack. I really botched that one. That’s the last time I hire a bi-sexual nudie activist to do a man’s job.…………….But enough small talk…..Just what in…the…hell…is this?
Fauci: Oh,crap………well, that’s House Joint Resolution 7.
Satan: And what is House Joint Resolution 7?
Fauci: It terminates the Covid 19 national emergency.
Satan: Yes indeedy…and it appears to be signed by the head buffoon himself. Any particular reason I wasn’t consulted on this?
Fauci: Well, that’s a little fuzzy. I believe some higher ups in marketing thought it was time to pull the plug. They figured 3 years was a bit long for a 15 day emergency.
Satan: Marketing!?? The same nitwits that can’t even come up with a good name for our pharmaceuticals?………RINVOQ?!….what the hell is THAT?!…SKYRIZZI?!…VERKASIA?! That’s the best we got?! Are we naming Pokemon or highly destructive drugs here? Freakin overpaid sad sacks!
Fauci: Evil studies have shown that the money is in the ambiguity and deception. We’re all trying our best, Sir.
Satan: Trying my patience!!………………(sniff, sniff.)
Fauci: Sir…are you crying?
Satan: ………………I think I’m losin’ it, Tony…….People are constantly going over my head. Nobody asks me to go anywhere anymore. Nobody calls. Klaus won’t text me back. Joyce Behar unfriended me. I feel like everyone’s making fun of me. Devil Dogs, Devil’s Food Cake, Deviled Eggs, Devil this, Devil that. They’re making a mockery of me, man! Look at this picture someone sent me on Facebook:
Sick twisted internet vandals! What does this even mean?!…….Be honest with me, Tony…..am I losing my edge?
Fauci: Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. You just need a Snickers.
Satan: Seriously??….Et tu, Tony?……DO NOT patronize me……………………………oh, give me the damn thing!
Fauci: There you go. You’re looking better already. Come over to the mirror. Tell me, who do you see there?
Satan: An old worn out tired Has Been.
Fauci: Look deeper
Satan: A deeply worn out tired Has Been.
Fauci: You wanna know what I see?…..The PRINCE OF FREAKING DARKNESS!………Say it.
Satan: i’m the prince of freaking darkness.
Fauci: Again.
Satan: I’m the Prince of Freaking Darkness.
Fauci: Louder!
Satan: I’M THE PRINCE OF FREAKING DARKNESS!
Fauci: Beautiful! You’ll be back to yourself in no time. You’re more than a symbol on a can of Deviled Ham. You’re Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, Spookiest Dude Alive, et cetera…..sans Adam Schiff.
Satan: I’m lucifer the flying maggot……yeah, I got it………I don’t know, Tony. I’m still worried. I can’t seem to do anything right lately. Nobody comes for advice or instructions. Everybody’s just freelancing willy-nilly on their own. I tell you what it is…it’s these freaking cell phones and computers! Everybody’s Googling this and Googling that and all of a sudden they’re experts at spreading universal terror and mayhem. Pisses me off to no end! I regret making social media.
Fauci: You’re being paranoid. You just need to string together a couple of small wins to get back on track.
Satan: Well, that’s easier said then done. Thanos, Galactus, Soros, Merrick Garland, The View!….Damn, I can’t compete with these jokers.……I think they’re going to send me back to the minors.
Fauci: Don’t worry, we’ll come up with some new stuff.
Satan: Be straight with me, buddy….am I being replaced?
Fauci: Listen, you’ve taught me how to constantly lie my ass off with a straight face and make a few extra bucks along the way, so I owe you big time. Now, don’t get crazy here, but a little Deep State birdie told me that they’re looking for an AI replacement for you.
Satan: I want to die.
Fauci: Now hold on there, let’s not do something crazy. Give me your pitchfork……Listen, the computers are taking over…..we’re all going to be replaced by AI soon. All good things must come to an end, as they say, but hey, I hear that Gates’ crew is handling this and his shit NEVER works for long so you’ve got a window here….no pun intended. I’d start shoveling coal while the furnace is hot.
Satan: Oh dear God, it’s over.
Fauci: Chin up, Sir. Remember the good times…..The Salem Witch Trials, The Rockefeller Foundation, Hitler, Stalin, Pfizer, The Gong Show, Chuck E Cheese, Pet Rocks, Ford Pintos, black licorice, Vienna Sausages, Boy George, the Kardashians, 15 days to slow the spread….just brilliant! ……Remember, there’s no shame in being a bench player! I’ll catch up with you a little later. “Have a magical day™!!”
Having only marginally reinvigorated The Prince of Freaking Darkness, Anthony Stephen Fauci aka “The Worm That Does Not Die” extricates himself from the proceedings.
Biden: What kind of mood is he in?
Fauci: Eh…he’s a little glum today. If I were you I wouldn’t get on him about the gas furnace in his office. Not a good time.
Meanwhile back in the office, the Son of the Morning places an urgent call:
Satan: Hello, DA Bragg?….this is Lucifer, The Angel of the Bottomless Pit.
Bragg: I got you, dude.
LOL Satan is worried about the freelancers. It does seem he has lots of competition.
🤣😆😂 I’m surprised you didn’t say raisins, you know, being snuck into oatmeal cookies, when you were expecting chocolate chip!