Comrade Fauci displaying the same inexplicable raw talent for baseball as he does for science. “Just a bit outside.”
BILL THE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls welcome to the 6th Annual Baseball Game between the Looney Left Liberals vs the Common Sense Conservatives. I’m Bill Tedwinkle here with my partner Johnny Wartrover, and Johnny, this has all the makings of a real classic.
JOHNNY: No doubt about it Bill. These teams definitely DO NOT like each other. They’re already jawing at each other from the dugouts. Let’s go down to the field.
FAUCI: Put your mask on!
TRUMP: Get off your knees, Half-Pint, maybe you can reach the effing plate!!!
A slightly tipsy PELOSI: Yeah, schtand up, Runt!..............Oh wait,….he’s on our schide……….schit.
PSAKI: Hey, Ron!.....Disney called back, your Magic Kingdom tickets are in the mail!
DESANTIS: Your broom’s double parked, Skank!! Are you sure you’re safe being in daylight?!!
GATES: You’re in way over your head, MUSK! Twitter doesn’t need satellites!
MUSK: Keep eating seaweed and tree bark, Dumpy…..you’re looking FABULOUS!!
BILL THE ANNOUNCER: Whoa, sounds like things are getting heated down there. Wally Bingrat is standing by with Nancy Pelosi on the field.
WALLY: Madam Speaker, how do you like your chances today?
PELOSI: For getting blitzed?...Pretty darn good. They’re selling vodka schlushies by the hot dog schtand. AOC’s playing left field for me. We want as many blackths out there as poshible….they’re much better afletes, PLUS it makeshus look good.
WALLY: I think she’s Hispanic, isn’t she?
PELOSI: Hishpanic??.………Dude, that’s just rachist.
WALLY: Okay, thanks Mrs. Speaker…..Hey, it looks like Vice President Kamala Harris has just entered the dugout….Any comments on today's game?
HARRIS: Well, with enough fortitude and cooperative human spirit we can galvanize our team to be able to face the interconnectivity of the global challenges that are before us with dignity. Our team is more universally insync because of past roadblocks that we’ve overcome with focused agility and dynamic working ethnicities. Our America-first ideology ensures that we don’t stand up for anything and we will never give up until we stop moving forward. Because backwards is not forwards and if we’re not moving forward we’re right back where we started……at the beginning. Am I right? Now, these new norms are simply repackaged old norms with blah, blah, blah……
WALLY: Hey, that’s great! Back to you Bill.
BILL: What’s that??!.......We’ve got late breaking news. There’s a disturbance just outside the stadium. Let’s go to Trish.
TRISH: Bill, I’m here with Ted Nugent. What’s going on Ted?
THE NUGE: Trish, me and the boys were out here blowing the heads off sewer rats…damn these things are as big as feral hogs up here!.....Anyway, we're getting ready to bag another one and this big ol’ bus comes chugging around the corner, and damn if it wasn’t Merrick Garland and Alejandro Mayorkas commandeering that thing. I poked my head inside the bus and Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang!!.... I’m face to face with the Mexican Baseball Team!
TRISH: Are you serious??....They were trying to sneak professional “ringers” into the game?
THE NUGE: You call ‘em “ringers,” I call ‘em Non-American Terrorist Scum. I said: “Hang on there, Senoritas, just what the bloody hell is going on here?
TRISH: What made you suspicious?
THE NUGE: Y’know Trish, I’ve trained with Army Snipers and Navy Seals….I read the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, The Federalist Papers, The Magna Carter, Billy Carter, The Louisiana Purchase, Elvis’s Letter to Nixon and Ziggy every morning before most people even get out of bed. My finely honed patriot instincts told me that these hombres were up to - BY GOD - no good! We wrapped them in duct tape and pushed the bus into the Potomac. Score one for the good guys!
TRISH: You’re a true American, Ted. Back to you, Bill.
BILL: Thanks for that on the spot report Trish…… Wally, there’s a black Cadillac pulling up outside the stadium doors. Who’s in it?
WALLY: Well, let’s see…….Oh, it’s Clarence Thomas. I forgot that The Supreme Court Justices have volunteered their time to umpire the game. Seems like 2 of them are MIA, though. Justice Thomas?!....Where’s the rest of the crew?
THOMAS: We couldn’t get Sotomayer to come out of her chambers. She’s one step away from using a virtual bathroom. Our newest addition, Justice Jackson, couldn’t tell the difference between our Cadillac and a Norwegian cruise ship. She’s headed to Alaska. To be fair she did admit that this wasn't an area she studied in college.
BILL: Well there you have it, The stage is set. Red vs Blue. Loonies vs Common Sense. Uh, oh… are those rain clouds in the distance?….
Fauci: I’m not playing if Trump’s playing.
PELOSI: Noshing worse than a watered down vodka schlushie.
Romney: Whose team am I on?
Rainout??
Bizarre PreGame Events at The Annual DC Baseball Game
Dude, you’re not right.........and thank goodness. Just in time. Hope it’s as fun for you to write as it is for us to read. Best. Thank you.
Love it! Much needed humor!